By Fatima Khan

Alhamdu lillah, the one lesson that sisters are able to pick up on from my webinars is that of the APT approach: to Appreciate, Praise, and Thank your husband, everywhere and everytime.

So what is it about the APT approach that makes me stress it so, just about in every question I am faced with. Surely I'm better equipped as a Relationship Coach to come up with an original answer to each question that sisters ask me. The truth remains, that the most original and honest thing you can do, in any given situation, is to simply be APT.

"The affair of the believer is amazing! The whole of his life is beneficial, and that is only in the case of the believer. When good times come to him, he is thankful and it is good for him, and when bad times befall him, he is patient and it is also good for him." [Muslim]

How about that? Every thing is beneficial.

Appreciate, Praise and Thank your husband.

Appreciate him for all that he does, the duties that he fulfils and the extra steps he takes towards your marriage.

Praise him to let him know you appreciate him, so he knows what he should be more of, or do more of.

Thank him for the small favors he does for you, even if it's taking out the groceries from the car, or turning off the lights when leaving the room.

The APT approach is complete only when you apply it both in solitude and in company of others.

If you are a garment for him, as he is for you, then you provide as much a covering for your husband as he does for you.

I've had many sisters counter this with questions revolving around the husband's actions and all that he ought to do, and doesn't. Sisters, no one shall bear the burden of another. You are ultimately responsible for your actions and duties, exactly how our Prophet sal Allahu alaiyhi wa sallam told us when he said, "(I order you) to give the rights that are on you and to ask your rights from Allah."' [Bukhari]

For starters, here are 3 ways you can adopt the APT approach from the instant you are done reading this article, bi'thnillah.

1) Correct your language, even the voices inside your head.

The biggest favor you can do to yourself from this very moment on, is to drop the, "BUT." Give your husband his due credit by paying him an absolute compliment with no exceptions. The, "but" may help you connect two sentences together, it also makes you feel that one statement is not as true as the next.

Even something as simple as, "My husband's a great father but he forgets our family commitments sometimes" can be set a world apart just by dropping one word. "My husband's a great father." Full stop. "Sometimes he forgets our family commitments. Full stop.

You're on your way to recognize each sentence as a fact, and to give your husband the credit for all that he does do right. Without the contradictions you'll find the APT approach much easier to follow inshaAllah.

2) Who do you spend the most time with?

Alhamdu lillah, you've got a whole lot of things to be thankful in your marriage. How would you feel to share that with the people whom you spend the most time with? Imagine having to think pleasant thoughts, and speak pleasantly of your marriage for the majority of your day, with those whom you're most in touch with. Chances are, you'll be smiling all the way until the evening when your husband comes home, inshaAllah.

Take into consideration those sisters who complain about their marriages or are unhappy about some aspects, giving preference to the dark cloud over the silver lining. You may have come across such sisters in many age groups, and can easily see how a younger sister like that progresses as an older wife. If you fit this description, or know anyone else who does, ask yourself whether the chosen path actually takes you in the direction you seek. If not, then what will?

Also sisters, please make du'a for anyone whom you know to fit this bill, for their marriage and their dunya and akhirah.

3) APT approach with your families

This is a simple step that branches out into immense barakah for your marriage and your families inshaAllah. Appreciate, praise and thank your husband around your family and his. Your parents will be ecstatic to hear of the qualities in your husband that make you happy, and his parents will be humbled to hear of their son in such an admiring manner.

All three steps combined, your husband will want to think of ways to put a smile on your face for all the positive input he gets as a result bi'thnillah.

You are your husband's garment, adorn your relationship with praise and gratitude because drawing attention to his drawbacks to anyone bares your flaws in turn. The APT approach will magnify the good that is in your husband, and encourage him to bring out even more of all that you acknowledge. What you respond to the most, is what he'll give you in turn, for that is where he gets his wife's attention from.

Fatima Khan is a Certified Life Coach and an NLP Practitioner specialising in Relationship Coaching for Muslim Women. She is energetic and optimistic. Her optimism shines through and enables all around her to develop a stronger outlook on life and their relationships. She has a website: http://www.lifepepper.org/. You should sign up for her weekly newsletter by clicking here.

It has been narrated on the authority of Ibn 'Umar (RA) that the Prophet (upon whom be Allah's Blessings and Peace) said: Beware. every one of you is a shepherd and every one is answerable with regard to his flock. The Caliph is a shepherd over the people and shall be questioned about his subjects (as to how he conducted their affairs). A man is a guardian over the members of his family and shall be questioned about them (as to how he looked after their physical and moral well-being). A woman is a guardian over the household of her husband and his children and shall be questioned about them (as to how she managed the household and brought up the children). A slave is a guardian over the property of his master and shall be questioned about it (as to how he safeguarded his trust). Beware, every one of you is a guardian and every one of you shall be questioned with regard to his trust. (Muslim, 4496)

To read about Khadeejah (RA): Click Here

Her Genealogy

• She is Sawdah bint Zam'ah bin Qais bin Abd shams bin Abd Wadd bin Nasr bin Malik bin Hisl bin Amir bin Lu'ayy Al Qurashiyah.
• Her mother was Ash-Shamus bint Qias bin Zaid bin Amr Al Ansariyyah.

Her Migration to Abyssinia

• When Allah, Most High commanded His Messenger (SAW) to preach Islam openly and to call upon all the people to worship Allah alone, the Messenger of Allah (SAW) obeyed his Lord's command and called upon the people to abandon the worship of idols and to worship Allah alone.
• When she heard of this new religion, Sawdah's (RA) heart was opened to it and she believed in the Message which Muhammad (SAW) brought.
• When Muhammad (SAW) began to preach openly, the torments inflicted by the pagans on the weak Muslims were cruel and severe to such an extent that some of them died, while others were tortured for the sake of their religion.
• When the Messenger of Allah (SAW) observed what had befallen them and how they were being severely tormented, he said to them: "If you were to leave for Abyssinia, you would find there a king in whose land no one is treated unjustly and it is a land of sincerity. You could stay there until Allah makes a way out for you from the oppression you are being subjected to here."
• So a number of Muslims departed for the land of Abyssinia, among them the venerable Companion, Sawdah and her husband, As-Sakran bin Amr. They left their family, their property and their land and embarked on a boat, facing the terrors of the sea and accepting all of the dangers therein-even death- for Allah's sake.
• Her husband settled in Abyssinia and Allah, the Most High blessed them with four children. As-Sakran even though he was in a strange land, worked hard with his hands to feed his wife and children and he refrained from begging from the people.

The Death of Her Husband

• While in Abyssinia, As-Sakran fell ill and when he and his family returned to Makkah, the illness became worse and a short time later, he died.
• She was now alone with four children whom she had to feed and clothe.
• But in spite of these difficult situations, Sawdah (RA) remained a God fearing woman, pure, chaste, guarding her honor and her reputation.

To read the next part: Click Here

Narrated 'Aisha: The Prophet said, "If a woman gives in charity from her house meals without wasting (i.e. being extravagant), she will get the reward for her giving, and her husband will also get the reward for his earning and the storekeeper will also get a similar reward. The acquisition of the reward of none of them will reduce the reward of the others." (Bukhari, 1941)

by Sister Nûr

This article was written by the author a few years ago, when she was in her second year at the University of Essex

I came from a purely Hindu family where we were always taught to regard ourselves (i.e. women) as beings who were eventually to be married off and have children and serve the husband-- whether he was kind or not. Other than this I found that there were a lot of things which really oppressed women, such as:

If a woman was widowed, she would always have to wear a white sari (costume), eat vegetarian meals, cut her hair short, and never re-marry.

1. The bride always had to pay the dowry (bridal money) to the husband's family.
2. And the husband could ask for anything, irrespective of whether the bride would have difficulty giving it.

Not only that, if after marriage she was not able to pay the full dowry she would be both emotionally and physically tortured, and could end up being a victim of "kitchen death" where the husband, or both the mother-in-law and the husband try to set fire to the wife while she is cooking or is in the kitchen, and try to make it look like an accidental death. More and more of these instances are taking place. The daughter of a friend of my own father's had the same fate last year!

In addition to all this, men in Hinduism are treated literally as among the gods. In one of the religious Hindu celebration, unmarried girls pray for and worship an idol representing a particular god (Shira) so that they may have husbands like him. Even my own mother had asked me to do this. This made me see that the Hindu religion which is based on superstitions and things that have no manifest proof [1], but were merely traditions which oppressed women could not be right.

Subsequently, when I came to England to study, I thought that at least this is a country which gives equal rights to men and women, and does not oppress them. We all have the freedom to do as we like, I thought. Well, as I started to meet people and make new friends, learn about this new society, and go to all the places my friends went to in order to "socialise" (bars, dance halls, ...etc.), I realised that this "equality" was not so true in practice as it was in theory.

Outwardly, women were seen to be given equal rights in education, work, and so forth, but in reality women were still oppressed in a different, more subtle way. When I went with my friends to those places they hung out at, I found everybody interested to talk to me and I thought that was normal. But it was only later that I realised how naive I was, and recognised what these people were really looking for. I soon began to feel uncomfortable, as if I was not myself: I had to dress in a certain way so that people would like me, and had to talk in a certain way to please them. I soon found that I was feeling more and more uncomfortable, less and less myself, yet I could not get out. Everybody was saying they were enjoying themselves, but I don't call this enjoying.

I think women in this way of life are oppressed; they have to dress in a certain way in order to please and appear more appealing, and also talk in a certain way so people like them. During this time I had not thought about Islam, even though I had some Muslim acquaintances. But I felt I really had to do something, to find something that I would be happy and secure with, and would feel respected with. Something to believe in that is the right belief, because everybody has a belief that they live according to. If having fun by getting off with other people is someone's belief, they do this. If making money is someone's belief, they do everything to achieve this. If they believe drinking is one way to enjoy life then they do it. But I feel all this leads to nowhere; no one is truly satisfied, and the respect women are looking for is diminishing in this way.

In these days of so called "society of equal rights", you are expected to have a boyfriend (or you're weird!) and to not be a virgin. So this is a form of oppression even though some women do not realise it. [2]When I came to Islam, it was obvious that I had finally found permanent security. A religion, a belief that was so complete and clear in every aspect of life. Many people have a misconception that Islam is an oppressive religion, where women are covered from head to toe, and are not allowed any freedom or rights. In fact, women in Islam are given more rights, and have been for the past 1400 years, compared to the only-recently rights given to non-Muslim women in some western and some other societies. But there are, even now, societies where women are still oppressed, as I mentioned earlier in relation to Hindu women.

Muslim women have the right to inheritance. They have the right to run their own trade and business. They have the full right to ownership, property, disposal over their wealth to which the husband has no right. They have the right to education, a right to refuse marriage as long as this refusal is according to reasonable and justifiable grounds. The Quran itself, which is the word of Allah, contains many verses commanding men to be kind to their wives and stressing the rights of women. Islam gives the right set of rules, because they are NOT made by men, but made by Allah; hence it is a perfect religion.

Quite often Muslim women are asked why they are covered from head to toe, and are told that this is oppression--it is not. In Islam, marriage is an important part of life, the making of the society. Therefore, a woman should not go around showing herself to everybody, only for her husband. Even the man is not allowed to show certain parts of his body to none but his wife. In addition, Allah has commanded Muslim women to cover themselves for their modesty:

O prophet! Tell your wives and your daughters and the women of the believers to draw their cloaks (veils) over their bodies (when outdoors). That is most convenient that they could be known as such (i.e. decent and chaste) and not molested."(Quran 33:59)

If we look around at any other society, we find that in the majority of cases women are attacked and molested because of how they are dressed. Another point I'd like to comment on is that the rules and regulation laid down in Islam by Allah (God) do not apply just to women but to men also. There is no intermingling and free-running between men and women for the benefit of both. Whatever Allah commands is right, wholesome, pure and beneficial to mankind; there is no doubt about that. A verse in the Quran explains this concept clearly:

"Say to the believing men that they should lower their gaze and protect their private parts (i.e. from indecency, illegal sexual acts); that will make for greater purity for them. And Allah is well aware of what they do. And say to the believing women that they should lower their gaze and protect their privaate parts (from indecency, illegal sexual intercourse); and that they should not display their beauty and ornaments...." (Quran, surah "Al-Nur" 24:31)

When I put on my hijaab (veil), I was really happy to do it. In fact, I really want to do it. When I put on the hijaab, I felt a great sense of satisfaction and happiness. Satisfied that I had obeyed Allah’s command. And happy with the good and blessings that come with it. I have felt secure and protected. In fact people respect me more for it. I could really see the difference in behaviour towards me.

Finally, I'd like to say that I had accepted Islam not blindly, or under any compulsion. In the Quran itself there is a verse which says "there is no compulsion in religion"[3]. I accepted Islam with conviction. I have seen, been there, done that, and seen both sides of the story. I know and have experienced what the other side is like, and I know that I have done the right thing. Islam does not oppress women, but rather Islam liberates them and gives them the respect they deserve. Islam is the religion Allah has chosen for the whole of mankind. Those who accept it are truly liberated from the chains and shackles of mankind whose ruling and legislating necessitates nothing but the oppression of one group by another and the exploitation and oppression of one sex by the other. This is not the case of Islam which truly liberated women and gave them an individuality not given by any other authority.

Sister Noor has been a muslim for over a year and a half and is currently in her second year of undergraduate study in the Department of Biology

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Notes

(1) In Islaam, strong emphasis is placed on proof and evidence. Superstition, conjecture and following the ways of ones ancestors is heavily censured. Allaah says:
{Say : Bring your proof if indeed you are truthful} {Baqarah 2:111} {Inform me with knowledge if indeed you are truthful} [An’aam 6:143] {And they do not possess any knowledge regarding it. They do nothing but follow conjecture and conjecture avails nothing against the Truth} [Najm 53:28] {And when it is said to them: ‘Follow that which Allaah has sent down’, they say: ‘Nay! We shall follow that which we found our fathers following} [Baqarah 2:170]

If the scientists among the non-muslims were to follow this advice and research objectively many of the rulings regarding women in Islam they would find that they are in perfect harmony with the biological/psychological knowledge they have arrived at regarding the nature of women. It is the reaction of the feminist movement to western hypocrisy that has led to the debasement of ‘perceived’ female roles in Islam. That is why most of what is portrayed regarding women in Islaam is pure conjecture and distortion, not fact and truth.

(2) This is where muslims consider the fallacy of the freedom and non-oppression of women lies. Under the name of ‘freedom’ women are told that they have complete automonomy to do as they wish. However, ‘do as they wish’ means that they are encouraged to conform to the trends and fashions that are set for them and imposed upon them by means of the media machine and by means of the multi-billion dollar film industry which makes, fashions, and nurtures the ideas of people and their principles, morals and conduct. As a result they are made the objects of the fantasies of menwho harass them, oppress them and reduce them to nothing but a source of temporary joy and pleasure. Men themselves have been made to let loose the reins of their desires due to the high exposure to naked women they receive, day in day out. This results in provocation, frustration and eventually - a deserving punishment - desensitization. Impotence is a widespread ‘disease’ in the West! This is the position of women in the west. The mere mention of the words sexual harrasment, date-rape - which includes men deliberately getting women tipsy or drunk so that they can have their way with them - and slogans such as NO MEANS NO are sufficient as proof for this reality of the oppression of women in the west. These problems are unknown to the muslim world and are not issues in Islaam.

(3) {There is no complulsion in religion. The truth has been made clear from error} [Baqarah 2:256]

Source: www.sisters.islamway.com

Narrated Sa'd bin Abi Waqqas: Allah's Apostle said, "You will be rewarded for whatever you spend for Allah's sake even if it were a morsel which you put in your wife's mouth." (Bukhari, 53)

Narrated 'Abdullah: The Prophet said, "A woman should not look at or touch another woman to describe her to her husband in such a way as if he was actually looking at her." (Bukhari, 4898)

True Story 

Translated By: IslamWay Team

I will not keep it a secret that I am not the one of cooking fans, as I used to consider it as a waste of time and effort.

When I got engaged, I discovered that my mother in law is one of those who spend most of their life time at the kitchen, moreover she loves to give variety to new kinds of food from time to time using different kinds of Arabic and western cooking books.

This matter – of course – used to make me worry because I thought that my fiancé, after marriage, would compare between my cooking and his mother’s. So when we have finished with all marriage arrangements and the marriage date was determined, my fiancé noticed that I was delaying the wedding and every time I used to invent a different excuse so finally he came and asked me “you are delaying the marriage for a reason I do not know, what is it?” then I felt the matter is being discovered and I do not have anything to do but saying the truth, so I said “ frankly, I hate kitchen!” then he laughed in astonishment and told me “anyway I like simple kinds of food and also I do not mind if I eat the same kind of each two days ” these words calmed me down and I did not delay the marriage any more, on the contrary after I got married I started feeling responsible for the house and all its matters which include the kitchen! So I told myself “you have to do your best in the kitchen even if your husband likes simple kinds of food”.

At the first day I entered my kitchen for cooking I asked God for help and trust on Him then I pleaded Him that my food would not come to be much less that of my mother in law. Then I started to cook and during that time I remembered--with God’s help-- some words of one of our sisters who was giving us lessons at the mosque during Ramadan and she said – God Rewards her—“the Arabian woman spends most of her life time at the kitchen, especially in Ramadan, which wastes much of this great month. Ramadan is like a scent flying away easily! So do not miss it in the kitchen and such kind of works, and if though why do not you mention God while at the kitchen? Has anyone of you tried to cook while she is glorifying Allah?!”

I felt I need to do that, not to take the opportunity of Ramadan—because we were in other month which I do not remember now—but for the hope that God Will Make my food tastes good!!

And I decided to start with saying God’s name before each step; starting with turning the fire on , passing through putting butter, then onion and garlic , then tomato and ending with turning the fire off.

The second time I asked myself why do not I say Surat Al-Ikhlas (the loyalty), after mentioning God’s name, during each step? I love this Surat very much, it is short and there are a lot of rewards with saying it too!!

So I have started doing that with God’s help and then, subsequently, God led me to glorify Him while the food is being cooked and during washing the dishes or cleaning the kitchen.

My husband’s reaction was to praise my food to the extent that he said my food has been better than his mother’s! —And of course I did not believe him then—because I am not the one who would pay much attention for the taste of food as long as it is fitting for eating and the salt is not too much, and I thought him saying that as a compliment, after all I was still new bride and such compliments are very normal. But I have noticed that he is repeating such words very often and this made me so happy but I never believed him and thought it is just encouraging from him especially when I discovered that he is one of the greatest fans when it comes to well cooked food , moreover he pays much attention to the way each kind of food is cooked, and thus he told me before marriage turned out to be encouragement , nothing more!!!

When I used to invite my mother in law to spend few days with us she used also to praise my food and I thought she was making a compliment as well. I have noticed that she used to spend her time with me at the kitchen while I was pleading her to have rest at the living room however she used to refuse. Because we were chatting with each other—I did not notice that she was watching my cooking till she asked me once about the method of cooking a certain kind of food and when I mentioned it she was surprised but I did not understand why till she called me once, after months from my marriage, to tell me “I adjure you to tell me the secret of your food taste” so I asked her if she is joking but she swore that she was not!!!

This was a surprise for me and I started thinking deeply to find out the reason but I could not find any but mentioning God’s name and surat Al-Ikhlas and sometimes glorifying God so I told her: “do you want the truth?” she said “sure” then I told her the aforementioned , she was surprised but she seemed as if she did not believe me, I noticed the next time she visited us that she was watching me while cooking to make sure of what I had told her!! And when she believed she told me that she “is doing the same thing now” and that she started noticing a progress in her food taste too!!!.

The funny thing about this matter is that I do not hate cooking or spending time at the kitchen anymore, especially when I play a cassette there; in the kitchen, to listen to Quran and different kinds of religious lessons. Subsequently the time I am spending at the kitchen has become amusement and I do not feel the pass of time except after finishing with everything.

Not only that but also—with God’s help—I am not confined to cook just the ordinary dishes but also baking foods like cake, pizza, and sometimes making jars and pickles to the extent that my friends and relatives did not believe that when they knew!!!

Glory to Allah that mentioning Him has secrets we do not know, but such ignorance dose not prevent us the amazement of such secrets. So Glory to you God how great you are!!!! Source: Saaid.net

Source: www.sisters.islamway.com